Emotional Intelligence: Building Inner Strength and Impact

Technical skills and competency levels form the foundation of both life and career. They allow you to do things from tying your shoes through building a project. Your emotional intelligence competencies are built concurrently from getting along with others in the classroom through working effectively as part of a project team.

As your career advances—with larger, more complex projects and a growing company—your emotional intelligence competencies become exponentially more important. This is especially true if your role includes responsibilities outside your core technical expertise and you are more than one level removed from the front-line production.

On the personal side, few things improve your life, relationships, and parenting more than building emotional intelligence competencies. This includes inner peace—there is no "Perfect Life" or true wealth without it. 

Daniel Goleman has significantly advanced the body of knowledge around emotional intelligence, codifying it into 25 specific competencies grouped in five categories and two groups in Working with Emotional Intelligence (1998). Throughout the next 20 years, those were refined to four domains and 12 competencies. Some of this was consolidation, like combining the categories of Self-Regulation and Motivation into one domain called Self-Management. Some of this was renaming, like Emotional Self-Control to Emotional Balance, which also included some consolidation. See the 8-minute summary video below:

The most valuable aspect of this framework is giving you the specific vocabulary and tools to evaluate and build these competencies in yourself and others. This article provides some tools that can be used. It is not meant to be comprehensive nor is it meant to be used all at once. Everything is organized in lists that can be quickly scanned and put to use situationally. For the most part, we are going to use the original 25 competencies because they are more granular. As you dive into this, please remember:

• We all have the ability to improve on any of these competencies with deliberate practice over time. 
• No one can truly focus on improving all competencies all at once. 
• Different job roles and life situations require different competency levels—take the time to prioritize the improvements you need to make in yourself.
• Evaluating and improving ourselves is one of the hardest things we can do—and it's essential if we hope to lead or support others effectively.

The Original 25 Emotional Intelligence Competencies (1998)

These were broken down into two groups and five categories that build on each other. 

1. Personal Competence (Internal): These competencies determine how we manage ourselves.
   1. Self-Awareness: Knowing our own internal states, preferences, resources, and intuitions.
   2. Self-Regulation: Managing our own internal states, impulses, and resources.
   3. Motivation: Understanding and leveraging our own emotional tendencies that guide or facilitate reaching our goals.  
2. Social Competence (External): These competencies determine how we handle relationships.
   1. Empathy: Awareness of the feelings, needs, and concerns of others. 
   2. Social Skills: Adeptness at inducing desirable responses in others.

Below are the 25 competencies summarized, along with some examples of what good and bad behaviors look like personally and professionally. Keep in mind that these must be used to objectively talk about behaviors—both internal and external dialogue. Since they are developable competencies, avoid using them to label a person.  

Where do you see similar examples of these in yourself? In others? Make notes as you read through the list. 

1. Emotional Self-Awareness: Recognize your emotional state in real time and understand how it influences judgment. 
   • Good - An apprentice senses rising frustration on a hot afternoon, flags it to the foreman, and hydrates before mistakes happen; at home, she notices the same tension and tells her partner she needs ten quiet minutes.
   • Bad - An apprentice snaps at coworkers yet says, “I’m fine.” At home, he denies he’s angry while slamming doors.
2. Accurate Self-Assessment: Know your strengths and limits so you can seek feedback and resources before performance slips.
   • Good - A foreman admits he lacks rigging expertise and brings in a certified rigger; that night he tells his teenager, “Math isn’t my strength—let’s learn this homework together.”
   • Bad - A foreman rates himself “expert” in rigging, though crews keep correcting him; he later insists he’s a “great listener” while scrolling his phone during dinner.
3. Self-Confidence: Act with conviction when evidence supports your position, even under pressure. 
   • Good - A project manager proposes a value-engineering idea to the owner despite senior skeptics, then calmly backs it with data; later, he volunteers to coach Little League even though he’s new in town. 
   • Bad - A project manager waffles on every decision, waits for others to speak first, and later complains about being overlooked; at PTA meetings, she stays silent even when she has facts.
4. Emotional Self-Control: Maintain composure under stress and choose responses that protect people and results. 
   • Good - A controller stays composed when the bank questions cash-flow variance, answers with facts, and avoids blame; the same evening, she keeps her cool when her child spills juice on the laptop.
   • Bad - A controller curses when invoices mismatch and fires off blaming emails; the same night, she yells at the kids over minor messes.
5. Trustworthiness: Honor commitments and act ethically, creating credibility in contracts and teamwork. 
   • Good - The operations manager promises a Friday schedule update and delivers early every week; friends rely on her to keep private matters confidential.
   • Bad - An operations manager promises a Friday update, delivers on Tuesday, and blames IT; friends stop sharing secrets because he repeats them.
6. Conscientiousness: Follow through on tasks, meet deadlines, and own outcomes without excuses. 
   • Good - An estimator double-checks every quantity before sending the bid and owns a missed item without excuses; at home, he never misses a mortgage payment date.
   • Bad - An estimator turns in bids with missing alternates, shrugs, and says, “They never read the details anyway”; at home, he pays bills late and racks up fees.
7. Adaptability: Adjust plans and behavior quickly when conditions, information, or priorities change. 
   • Good - A foreman calmly swaps crews when a concrete truck is late, keeping progress steady; that weekend, he shifts family plans indoors when rain spoils the picnic.
   • Bad - When weather delays a concrete pour, the superintendent freezes, waiting for someone else to devise Plan B; a canceled flight leaves her sulking in the terminal instead of rebooking.
8. Innovativeness: Generate and champion practical improvements to processes, tools, or services. 
   • Good - An apprentice designs a simple jig that speeds rebar tying by 15%; she also invents a game that turns her kids’ chore list into a points contest.
   • Bad - A crew lead mocks new software as “fancy toys” and blocks the rollout; he also turns down his child’s idea for a weekend activity with “we always do it my way.”
9. Achievement Drive: Set challenging goals and measure progress against clear, objective standards. 
   • Good - A junior PM sets a goal to cut RFI turnaround to 48 hours and tracks it daily; he trains for a 10K run with the same focus.
   • Bad - A junior PM meets only minimum targets, celebrates mediocrity, and rejects stretch goals; he ditches a fitness program after one missed workout.
10. Commitment: Align personal effort with organizational mission and long-term strategy. 
    • Good - The CEO signs a ten-year safety pledge with the workforce and funds the training; on weekends, she volunteers at the local skills-trade high school.
    • Bad - The CEO champions safety in speeches but cuts the training budget; she signs up to volunteer, then skips the event without notice.
11. Initiative: Act before being asked, spotting and seizing opportunities that move work forward. 
    • Good - Seeing supply shortages ahead, a foreman orders decking two weeks early; at home, he books dentist checkups six months out without prompting.
    • Bad - Material shortages loom, but the foreman waits for directives, then blames purchasing; he neglects yardwork until his HOA complains.
12. Optimism: Expect workable solutions and sustain effort through setbacks. 
    • Good - A superintendent treats a weather delay as a chance to improve site logistics; later, she encourages her daughter after a poor exam, planning the next study steps.
    • Bad - A scheduler hits a snag and says, “We’re doomed,” spreading anxiety; at home, he predicts his teen will “never amount to much” after a bad grade.
13. Empathy: Accurately read others’ feelings and perspectives to inform decisions and support morale. 
    • Good - An estimator notices an owner’s tight smile during pricing talks, pauses to ask about budget pressure, and adjusts options; he also senses a friend’s fatigue and offers to take their kids to practice that night.
    • Bad - An estimator ignores a client’s stressed tone and keeps upselling; he jokes about a friend’s new diet, unaware it hurts.
14. Service Orientation: Anticipate and meet client or stakeholder needs to build lasting trust. 
    • Good - Before the client asks, the project engineer emails an updated cost-to-complete; she likewise refills an elderly neighbor’s grocery list each week.
    • Bad - The project engineer answers RFIs days late and acts irritated by follow-ups; she forgets her elderly neighbor’s grocery run despite promises.
15. Developing Others: Provide feedback, coaching, and growth opportunities that raise team capability. 
    • Good - A foreman walks an apprentice through reading shop drawings and checks back the next day; that evening, she coaches her son on bike maintenance instead of doing it for him.
    • Bad - A foreman shows an apprentice once, then says, “Figure it out,” and criticizes mistakes; he does homework for his child rather than teaching.
16. Leveraging Diversity: Value different backgrounds and viewpoints to enhance problem solving and innovation. 
    • Good - A PM assembles a cross-trade task force mixing ages, genders, and cultures to solve prefab issues; at a family reunion, he invites quieter relatives into the conversation.
    • Bad - A PM forms a task force of buddies who think alike and dismisses different views; at family gatherings, he dominates, ignoring quieter relatives.
17. Political Awareness: Understand formal and informal power dynamics to navigate approvals and alliances. 
    • Good - The CFO anticipates board concerns about overhead and prepares answers; she also senses tension between two community leaders and schedules separate chats.
    • Bad - The CFO pushes a cost-cutting plan without sensing the board’s concerns and gets blindsided; she suggests a surprise vacation without noticing her partner’s packed week.
18. Influence: Persuade others with clear logic, data, and mutual benefits rather than positional authority. 
    • Good - The CEO persuades bankers to extend credit by linking project backlog to regional growth data; at home, he convinces teens to limit screen time by co-creating the rules.
    • Bad - A superintendent relies on threats to get subcontractors on-site, breeds resentment, and wonders why productivity drops; he guilt-trips friends into favors instead of persuading.
19. Communication: Convey ideas and listen actively so information is accurate, timely, and actionable. 
    • Good - A project manager writes a one-page scope summary everyone understands on first read; he texts his spouse clear arrival times instead of vague “later.”
    • Bad - A project manager writes five-page emails full of jargon that no one reads; he texts his spouse vague “running late” with no details.
20. Leadership: Inspire and guide individuals or groups toward shared objectives. 
    • Good - An operations manager paints a crisp picture of finishing the hospital wing a month early and aligns crews to the milestone; she rallies her neighborhood to clean a park with the same energy.
    • Bad - An operations manager can’t articulate goals, so teams drift; at home, weekend plans fall apart because no one knows the agenda.
21. Change Catalyst: Recognize when change is needed and lead the transition effectively. 
    • Good - Spotting paper-heavy inspections, a superintendent pilots digital forms, trains staff, and measures the 40% time savings; he also helps his parents switch to online bill-pay with patient guidance.
    • Bad - A superintendent labels new safety software “a fad,” refuses training, and stalls adoption; he keeps paper bills despite free online options.
22. Conflict Management: Address disagreements early, seeking solutions that protect relationships and goals. 
    • Good - A controller mediates a dispute between purchasing and field over material ordering and delivery, getting agreement inside an hour; she negotiates siblings’ holiday plans without lingering resentment.
    • Bad - Two trades feud for days while the PM avoids the conversation; at home, she gives the silent treatment instead of resolving issues.
23. Building Bonds: Establish and maintain strong working relationships that facilitate collaboration and support. 
    • Good - An intern stays in touch with last summer’s crew, sharing job leads; on weekends, she organizes a friends’ hiking group that’s lasted three years.
    • Bad - An apprentice leaves every project with zero contacts because he never follows up; he ghosts friends when they need help.
24. Collaboration & Cooperation: Share knowledge and resources to achieve common targets efficiently. 
    • Good - A PM shares crane time with another subcontractor to keep both schedules on track; at home, he and his partner co-plan meals and errands each Sunday night.
    • Bad - A PM hoards drawings, forcing others to ask repeatedly; at home, he won’t share chores, insisting “I did my part.”
25. Team Capabilities: Foster cohesion, shared practices, and mutual accountability for high collective performance. 
    
    • Good - The CEO fosters autonomous business-unit teams that hit industry-leading metrics consistently; she also hosts monthly family meetings where everyone, kids included, sets and reviews goals.
    • Bad - The CEO pits departments against each other, killing trust; family members work in silos because no one coordinates shared tasks.

Evaluation Questions Around the 25 Emotional Intelligence Competencies

Work through these questions knowing:

• They may not all apply.
• Not all the competencies are weighted equally given where you are at in your life and career.
• Everything can be improved but prioritization is the key. 

Answer each with a yes or no, high/med/low, or 1-5 scale from never to consistently as applicable. Include notes about why you are answering that way. There are additional tools and tactics listed in the next section. 

1. Emotional Self-Awareness
   1. Do I notice when my attitude shifts during the day?
   2. Can I name the exact emotion I’m feeling before I speak?
2. Accurate Self-Assessment
   1. Do I invite feedback on my blind spots at least once a month? 
   2. How clear am I about my top two development needs? 
3. Self-Confidence
   1. When data support my view, do I state it without hesitation? 
   2. Do setbacks make me question my core abilities? 
4. Emotional Self-Control
   1. Can I stay calm when plans change suddenly? 
   2. Do I avoid speaking in anger or sarcasm? 
5. Trustworthiness
   1. Do I keep every commitment I make, even the small ones? 
   2. How often do coworkers rely on my word without follow-up?
6. Conscientiousness
   1. Do I meet or beat 95% of my deadlines? 
   2. How consistently do I double-check my work for errors? 
7. Adaptability
   1. When priorities shift, do I adjust plans within one day? 
   2. How comfortable am I working outside my usual routine?
8. Innovativeness
   1. Have I proposed at least one process improvement in the last quarter? 
   2. How often do I experiment with new tools or methods? 
9. Achievement Drive
   1. Do I set measurable stretch goals for myself each year? 
   2. How strong is my focus on hitting those targets daily?
10. Commitment
    1. Can I link my tasks to the company mission when asked? 
    2. How willing am I to go beyond my job description for key objectives? 
11. Initiative
    1. Do I act on problems before being told to? 
    2. How quickly do I seize new opportunities?
12. Optimism
    1. When facing delays, do I expect a workable solution? 
    2. How resilient am I after a project setback? 
13. Empathy
    1. Can I detect when a coworker is discouraged without being told?
    2. How accurately do I sense clients’ unspoken concerns? 
14. Service Orientation
    1. Do I anticipate customer needs before they ask? 
    2. How often do I receive positive feedback on responsiveness?
15. Developing Others
    1. Have I coached someone toward a new skill in the past month?
    2. How effective is my feedback at improving others’ performance? 
16. Leveraging Diversity
    1. Do I seek input from people with backgrounds different from mine? 
    2. How often do diverse viewpoints shape my decisions? 
17. Political Awareness
    1. Can I map key influencers for any major decision I face? 
    2. How accurately do I read informal power dynamics? 
18. Influence
    1. Do stakeholders often adopt my recommendations? 
    2. How persuasive am I without using authority? 
19. Communication
    1. Do listeners confirm they understood my main point the first time? 
    2. How clearly do I capture complex ideas in writing? 
20. Leadership
    1. Do team members look to me for direction during uncertainty? 
    2. How inspiring is my vision for upcoming goals? 
21. Change Catalyst
    1. Have I initiated a successful process or cultural change in the past year? 
    2. How effectively do I sustain momentum after the launch? 
22. Conflict Management
    1. Do disputes on my team resolve without lasting resentment?
    2. How skilled am I at finding solutions acceptable to all sides?
23. Building Bonds
    1. Do I maintain professional relationships even after projects end?
    2. How broad is my active work network? 
24. Collaboration & Cooperation
    1. Do I share resources freely to help others meet targets? 
    2. How smoothly do I integrate input from multiple teams?
25. Team Capabilities
    1. Does my team hold itself accountable for collective results?
    2. How strong is our trust and cohesion under pressure?

5-Day Learning and Improvement Playbook

Invest less than 60 minutes each day to build an emotional intelligence foundation. Do this with a small working group to maximize impact and build the foundation for additional improvements.

1. Why Aren't We More Compassionate? 13-minute video by Daniel Goleman. Quick primer on how paying full attention flips the brain from self-focus to empathy, setting the stage for every other emotional intelligence skill.
   • Reflection and Discussion Question - What is one empathy win you will aim for tomorrow, and why? 
2. What Makes a Leader? Short article by Daniel Goleman. This classic shows that emotional intelligence accounts for ~90% of leadership success differentials once technical skill thresholds are met.
   • Reflection and Discussion Question - Rate yourself on a scale of 0-10 for each of the five emotional intelligence components with your rationale for why.
3. Harnessing the Science of Persuasion. Short article by Robert Cialdini. Six evidence-backed levers (reciprocity, liking, etc.) you can deploy tomorrow to influence without authority—core to social awareness and relationship management.
   • Reflection and Discussion Question - What is one persuasion lever that you can apply to a current situation? 
4. Why Good Leaders Make You Feel Safe. 12-minute video by Simon Sinek. Reveals how leaders trigger oxytocin-based trust, translating empathy and all aspects of emotional balance into higher retention and safety.
   • Reflection and Discussion Question - What is one action that would widen the "Circle of Safety" with your team? Keep in mind that "team" may be the broader project team, the team that works for you, or the team of your peers. 
5. 7 Habits of Emotionally Intelligent People. Rapid checklist of daily behaviors (mindful pause, social radar, constructive self-talk) to turn insight into habit.
   • Reflection and Discussion Question - What is the one micro-habit that you are going to try for the next 30 days, and why? 

More Tools to Build Each of the 25 Emotional Intelligence Competencies

The list below is just some quick bullets - not all will be applicable for every situation. This is just a starting point. The more tools you have in your toolbox, the better you can help yourself and the better you can help others. Remember that just like the tools in a real toolbox, you need lots of practice to ensure safety, quality, and productivity. 

1. Emotional Self-Awareness
   • Set a three-times-daily phone reminder to name your current emotion out loud. Reference the emotion wheel or list of emotions to expand your emotional vocabulary. 
   • Label its intensity 1-to-5 in a notebook.
   • Review patterns every Sunday and note triggers. 
   • Use your Apple Watch or similar to track heart rate during the day and sleep looking for patterns - besides climbing stairs, what causes your heart rate to rise or sleep patterns to change?
2. Accurate Self-Assessment
   • Ask two peers for one strength/one gap each Friday.
   • Compare feedback with your own rating sheet.
   • Choose one gap and log a weekly progress metric.
3. Self-Confidence
   • List three past wins before major meetings.
   • Practice stating a position first in small groups.
   • Track decisions made without seeking repeated reassurance. 
4. Emotional Self-Control
   • Breathe 4-4-4 (inhale-hold-exhale box breathing) when heart rate spikes. Some phone apps are valuable. 
   • Delay emails/texts 15 minutes when angry.
   • Record trigger situations and rehearse calm responses. 
5. Trustworthiness
   • Log every promise and due date in one list.
   • Send status notes 24 hours before each deadline.
   • Admit mistakes within one business day of discovery.
6. Conscientiousness
   • Use a daily checklist and tick each item before leaving.
   • Set “work done” alarms 30 minutes early to review for errors.
   • Audit last week’s missed tasks and fix root causes. 
7. Adaptability
   • Re-plan your top three priorities when new data lands.
   • Try one new work method per month and rate results.
   • Role-play “worst-case” pivots with a colleague weekly. 
8. Innovativeness
   • Capture one problem/idea per day in a notes app.
   • Pilot one low-risk idea each month.
   • Host a 15-minute “idea swap” with cross-functional peers bi-weekly. 
9. Achievement Drive
   • Set quarterly SMART goals with numeric targets.
   • Review progress every Friday; color-code green, yellow, red.
   • Publicly share targets to add accountability. 
10. Commitment
    • Write out how each task links to the company mission.
    • Check in with your manager and/or a mentor to see what context you may be missing about how your tasks connect to the company mission and your career.
    • Volunteer for one initiative that advances that mission quarterly.
    • Track time spent on mission-aligned vs. misc. work. 
11. Initiative
    • Identify one looming risk each Monday and act before asked.
    • Log opportunities seized without direction from others.
    • Ask “What else can I do now?” at day’s end. 
12. Optimism
    • When plans slip, list two alternative paths immediately.
    • Start meetings with one recent win.
    • End days noting what went right and why. 
13. Empathy
    • Listen for and reflect the other person’s feelings in your own words. Check with them to ensure you've understand. See the Gottman resources. 
    • Watch facial cues in video calls, not just words.
    • Ask “How will this decision impact you?” before closing issues. 
14. Service Orientation
    • Log the top three client concerns weekly and address proactively.
    • Send follow-up “Did this solve it?” messages 48 hours after delivery.
    • Measure response time to requests and set improvement targets. 
15. Developing Others
    • Hold 15-minute coaching huddles bi-weekly with each direct report.
    • Assign stretch tasks matched to growth goals.
    • Track mentee progress in a shared doc. 
16. Leveraging Diversity
    • Invite at least one dissenting viewpoint per meeting.
    • Rotate meeting chairs across roles/backgrounds.
    • Map team skill diversity and plug gaps with new voices. 
17. Political Awareness
    • Stakeholder-map every key decision (power vs. interest grid).
    • Schedule one-on-one check-ins with influencers monthly.
    • Note informal norms before proposing changes. 
18. Influence
    • Frame proposals around shared benefits, not personal wins.
    • Use data + story in every pitch deck.
    • Ask for objections first, then address them directly. 
19. Communication
    • Start emails with one-sentence purpose.
    • Use the “repeat-back” (ABC) technique to confirm understanding.
    • Limit meetings to a three-point agenda sent in advance. 
20. Leadership
    • State a clear vision with measurable milestones quarterly.
    • Model desired behaviors daily; audit with a peer.
    • Celebrate team wins within 24 hours of achievement. 
21. Change Catalyst
    • Present the “why” for change in under two minutes. (learn more)
    • Pilot new processes on a small scale, then share results.
    • Track adoption metrics and remove blockers weekly. 
22. Conflict Management
    • Bring disputing parties together within 24 hours.
    • Use a “needs, not positions” worksheet during talks.
    • Document agreements and follow up in one week. 
23. Building Bonds
    • Schedule one coffee or check-in with a contact each week.
    • Share useful articles/resources without asking for favors.
    • Send thank-you notes within 48 hours of assistance received. 
24. Collaboration & Cooperation
    • Share draft work early to invite input.
    • Set joint KPIs with partner teams.
    • Rotate credit in public updates. 
25. Team Capabilities
    • Hold monthly retrospectives on team processes.
    • Set peer-to-peer recognition goals.
    • Cross-train roles to raise bench strength. 

Keep in mind that this is only the beginning of the journey, and the body of knowledge around emotional intelligence continues to expand. Unlike other competencies, such as IQ and physical skills, these can continue to grow throughout your life if you put intentional work into them.